i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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