just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I just had sex on a roof
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I smell like Dick and happiness
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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