dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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