Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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