I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
