the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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