I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
