He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
