Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
