yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
