at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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