eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize
