My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
