I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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