So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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