I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
