i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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