shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
