Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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