You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
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