I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Randomize
