im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
