I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
