I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Randomize