All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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