Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
