My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize