They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
