Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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