I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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