Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
