rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Randomize
