she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
