im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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