im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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