Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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