there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
