4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
