you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I think we might need a safe word for this...
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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