I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
