Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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