So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
