a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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