I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'm too high and old for this...
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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