I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize