the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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