my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize