So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
