Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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