How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
As shirtless as possible
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
