you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
