You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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