I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
