guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
