he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Randomize
