I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
