saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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