Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
