The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
So much Jack, so little girl.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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