Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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