You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
