but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
