I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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