just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
