he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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