OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
