Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
